watch that sun set

--[flashback to april]--
this is that moment before everything changed...

some beautiful reality

so that night in april, the phone rings, twice.

suddenly there is a pain that i feel so deeply it's like empty teeth
morning grief

i need my family, and i am 6000 miles away

and. i can't go home. other obligations.

there is a blur, time passes
i don't remember a thing
except crying and packing
not only for wintery weather, but for a subletter
my life reduced to a closet

and hawaii just makes fun of me all week, i swear.
all smiley faces and sunshine while i sink into some semblance of a cocoon, some moment of immense sadness. i don't sleep for days.
and then we drive me to get on that plane, the one that takes me to a job.

i don't remember the flight at all. it's as if honolulu becomes seattle...

as if these cloudless skies are reflecting this echo inside

peacock flats

patterns.





so much of life seems to be either a struggle against or an acceptance of
subconcious patterns.

certain triggers make me miss certain situations,
even ones that i know are baaad bad news.
but every once in a great while,
you might find yourself where i found myself on sunday,




glad for a new development in my sometimes routineless routine...